Monday, June 1, 2015

The Long Goodbye

It's funny to me. One of those things we never pay attention to, but something that's been on the forefront of my mind for so long that I don't know what to do.

When we say goodbye we pull each other closer for a last hug or kiss or arm clasp or shoulder tweak or some other display of affection.

The act of saying goodbye is preceded by a show of affection which, while we don't believe it will be the last time it happens, is meant to act as a final confirmation we love and care about the person we're saying goodbye to. It's a lot to take in.

STORYTIME!

A German foreign exchange student came and lived with me in Dallas for a year. When the year was up he had to return to Germany. Now, he ended up taking me with him to Germany because he was scared of leaving Dallas behind. He faced something he didn't recognize: He had to say goodbye so he brought me as his comfort blanket.

He left behind all those new friends he made. He bid farewell to new families he became a part of. He said 'adios' to loved ones.

And yeah we traveled around Europe together for a solid month. We saw the sights. We had amazing meaningful conversations and grew up a little. That was guaranteed. Then the time came for me to leave.

Being his last meaningful connection to his Dallas life I didn't know what to say. Imagine two sixteen year old boys who couldn't be more different and yet similar struggling to encapsulate the emotions running through their hormone-addled (and sleep deprived I might add) heads. Two guys just standing there, nothing left to say.

I asked him how he coped with it: the idea that you won't see some of these meaningful people ever again. He told me (and I'll never forget this)
"We never say 'goodbye.' We only say 'see you later'"

We hugged. I turned my back and walked through airport security. I remember being absolutely scared to fly alone and completely overcome by the idea of leaving my brother.*

I like that thought. That, no matter what, somewhere along the road you're going to encounter this person before. It's an idea that's kept me in good stead when life changed drastically, when friends moved away, when I left for college. It's a comforting thought that focuses on the far-off future. It says to us "This separation isn't permanent." And it certainly doesn't have to be. With the advent of social media it's easier now than ever to reconnect with long lost friends, ex-lovers, or distant family members.

When I made the decision to live in a foreign country part of what motivated me was the idea of leaving everything and everyone behind me. Which isn't really who I am. I admit, I wanted a change. I wanted to face the world on my own two feet without the safety net I relied on so heavily my entire life. Be my own man. Which sounds lame cause I am a distinct individual and nothing can interrupt that. But it's just something I got to do on my own.

I said yes. I'm going to Peru. And I'm excited don't get me wrong, but with this mounting excitement comes something I didn't predict: a numbing sensation.
I realized it in the rush of graduation too late: I have to say goodbye.

While I'd like to believe that I'm not saying 'gooodbye' it doesn't feel like a 'see you later' to some of these people. I've heard that once you leave college your friend group narrows down to a select few. I can already tell who that will be. But it's a harsh reality, and one I don't know how to face.

I'm sure whenever I'm back home from Peru I'll see all of my close friends. But some of those acquaintances: people I worked with, classmates I enjoyed seeing, even some girls I've cared about I don't think I'll see those people again. For once in my life I'm confronted with the idea that, despite all odds, I actually have to say goodbye to people I care so much about.

The best I can manage is some joke: "Well, if I don't see you have a nice life!"
The worst I can manage is nearly blurting incoherent "I love you!"s to girls who went on one date or who were nice to me. That's not me.

I can't see the future, but this divergence in paths feels like a more permanent thing than others accept. I'm sure I'm blowing it out of proportion too. I'm prone to dramatize the situation. But part of me is right. I won't see these people again. They'll move away, start a new life, be successful in their careers, maybe marry, get older, change addresses, and we wont' see each other for too long.
The next time I see some of these people we will be strangers.

It's scary. I think I've said that like fifteen times. I can't control it. I can't dissuade myself. I can't stop it. I have to hope. Someway, somehow this isn't 'goodbye' it's 'see you later.' I choose to believe that maybe, just maybe, if things were meaningful enough to them or if we're meant to stay close we will make it happen.

I guess all I really have is hope. Don't belabor the point Daniel.

In any regards to all of my friends, my family, my loves: from the bottom of my heart Thank You. My life is a meaningful series of experiences because of you all. If I don't see you again I wish you all the best. Don't be a stranger! Keep in touch! I'm not always the best at responding but don't give up on me! I'm always here. Just a touch and a click away.

I hope I see you later.

 - Daniel Pappas -


* He came back to Dallas multiple times and goes to school in California so, in his case, he was right. He did see me later.


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